Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother

I found this book helpful in the sense that the author is honest and funny about her adoption experience, but overall leaves a bitter taste. She is so negative throughout, I found myself waiting for a hopeful closure that never came.

This is one of the books I tell any perspective adoptive Mom to read....the entire adoption process is at times frustrating and mind boggling. There are plenty of other great books that explain adoption ethics, respect for birthfamilies, the emotional loss of the adoptee, and how to make sure that you are supportive of the needs of the adopted child.This book is strictly for women who want to vent and don't feel there is anywhere "safe" enough to let it all hang out, and don't even like that they even had the thought. This is for the darkest and most honest parts of ourselves. It isn't that I felt this way all the time, or even most of the time, but since I am human there were times when this book let me know that I wasn't alone or a horrible person for being fed up....fed up with the process, fed up with the adoption workers, and yes fed up with some of the perspective Birthmothers that we came into contact with. Not because I wanted the baby at all costs but because it is all so surreal. I can imagine that some birthmoms and even adoptees might be offended by some of the book...but it isn't written for them.

I know other reviewers have commented about the authors "bitterness, anger, selfishness" etc in her account of adoption. I was reluctant to purchase this book in large part due to those comments. However, once I read a summary on Tapestry (adoption resources) as well as in Adoptive Families Magazine, I decided it was worth the read. I'm so glad I did!I think previous reviewers may have misunderstood the author's intentions in writing the book. The things she has written about don't represent how she felt "all the time" during or after the adoption. She wrote with honesty about the struggles she had facing those feelings and experiences. Frankly, anyone who has adopted and not felt at least one of those feelings must be in denial or being dishonest with themselves.As a women who is adopting after infertility, and one who has spoken to MANY adoptive mothers in the same situation, I found it refreshing to know I was not alone or a bad person for having some of these thought early in the process of adopting. If anything, this book normalized the rollercoaster of emotions I (or anyone else) felt during the process.Yes-I felt a sense of loss over not being able to conceive. Yes- I questioned "why us" during the process. Yes- I was scared of the adoption process and trusting others to determine the outcome of the parenting desires my husband and I shared. That doesn't mean I was ungrateful/selfish/bitter. If anything it made me a better parent for honestly dealing with unresolved issues during the time I was waiting for the adoption to be completed.In my eyes, it's okay to be honest about the "ugly" feelings you may struggle with, and that is what this book has done so honestly, eloquently, and refreshingly. Don't judge others for needing or liking this book. I highly recommend this book.FYI: For any reviewer who didn't like or respect this author's book...I suggest reading her essay titled "The First 13" in the book title A Love Like No Other. Talk about perspective, it offers her reflections on her raising her son (now that he is a teenager). Well worth the read!

I think this book is a must-read for anyone facing the challenges of infertility or in the process of adopting. In fact, if you know someone who is struggling to conceive a biological child or is adopting you should read it too! It is blunt, honest, and very refreshing to be able to understand the thoughts and feelings that these women have as they go through these challenges. It would help everyone to be more sensitive and understanding.

I was expecting a lot more from this book. As a white woman with one bio child considering adopting an Asian child, the reviews and reader comments made me feel that it would be just the antidote to all those adoption websites that make you feel so inadequate if you are having any doubts. I guess I don't feel that her "secrets" were really all that alarming; I would guess that most people who have adopted or are considering adopting would cop to experiencing at least some of the things she has. That said, those readers in other reviews who WERE so offended are perhaps the noisy minority that contribute to making the rest of us feel guilty if we have politically incorrect thoughts. I think there are two kinds of people who adopt: those who want to help a child with special needs or that no one else wants, and those who-like every pregnant woman-prays that her child will be healthy, normal, and in some way "like" her. I think both groups should respect the other.

I found it dated and a bit too "honest" for my tastes. I feel sorry for her son if he reads certain passages. I personally removed it from my home so my daughter wouldn't stumble on it and think I shared her sentiments. I was disappointed in the book and her perspective. I'm no Pollyanna, but I found it disturbing and potentially damaging.

This book is a must-read for people planning to adopt, and those who have adopted and are still adjusting. There are a lot of feelings and fears that most people won't talk about during the adoption process, but they are there and they are real, and this author explores them.

I am an adoptive Mother also, but of older children. I appreciated her candor and willingness to bear her soul.