Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life Paperback – April 1, 1992

As a Christian, I've struggled with how to maintain my own boundaries with people who are under-responsible. So many people are looking for a bleeding heart, over-responsible person like me to use, but it's been important to me to realize that I am at fault for letting much of it happen. I reviewed my words to these people and I found myself not being honest with how much they inconvenience me, if at all. I stopped lying to some people and telling them that it's 'great' to see them, or it's 'no problem' when it's not. I was raised to be compliant and avoid conflict by well-meaning godly parents. I struggle when unhealthy people put me down and don't feel like I should spend time with these kinds of people. I noticed that they often do it to try and steer me toward doing something for them.My biggest problem is that I do stuff for other people and resent it big time. Then, my family never hears the end of how frustrated I am. Part of me deep inside just knows when I have allowed myself into being manipulated and resents it. Thanks to this book that gives a lot of food for thought, I am able to separate my ministry works from my friendships. True friends don't go off the deep end when you don't comply and say 'no' sometimes. I feel fulfilled and non-resentful when I choose my own ministry projects, as I am led in my heart by God; not having them forced on me.Every person has to figure out how much they are capable of and set limits. I have taken steps to invest more in friendships where we enjoy and respect each other's differences. I don't want to be the enabling source of someone to keep them wallowing in immaturity. Now, I hope my biggest issue is that I've got to find other things to talk about than how one or two peripheral friends behaved to me. My family and close friends deserve better.Edit - Oct 2014 - It has been a great year! Less resentment, more enjoyable relationships, and lots of steps in the right direction. I've been able to sort through my priorities better in how to deal with people. I've been able to dodge those who want to impose on my boundaries and enjoy healthy boundaries with true friends. The boundary busters get mad when they don't get their way, and I fight feeling bad about it sometimes because I have been over-empathetic to manipulative people for years. You don't get better overnight, but with each interaction, you have a chance to make things go well. I used to not give a clear no, and it often prolonged the process with intrusive people. I simply refuse to deal with people who don't take no for an answer. It has not been a problem to ignore over-the-top texts, fb messages and emails. I find that these people just move on to the next person on their 'list' anyway. I am working with people I love and trust. My energy is endless because I am doing the ministry that I am supposed to be doing, instead of feeling responsible for areas that I am not suited for. It is freeing like never before. Thank God for this valuable, Biblical insight into relationships!

If you have ever had a one sided relationship with a loved one where they have boundaries of their own but you have never set up boundaries for yourself with them, then you will eventually experience the dire need to set up your own boundaries and know why and how to do just that. I think that this is an amazing book to understand why everyone should have boundaries of some kind in their relationships. I now understand why just being a loving and good person is not the foundation of a good and balanced relationship but is actually the finished part of it. After reading the book, twice, I believe that if a relationship has boundaries on both sides, as a foundation, then the outcome of that relationship will give way to a loving and deep friendship or love relationship and it will foster self respect and respect for others. We all go hay wire in how we deal with our daily lives with others and how we treat them in what we consider good or bad but I now understand that we must not let that be the influence of how we treat others.This book sounds like common sense but is actually more than just that. I love how every chapter, I was able to see a little of me in it and how I could get more from my life and my relationships by being up front in a loving way and knowing that God didn't make us all just door mats. Christ doesn't give us anything and everything we want but instead he gives us what he knows we need and what he is willing to give us to build our relationship up with him into one of thankfulness, trust, love and his Grace. I now understand that we are practicing this now so that we can have a closer relationship with Him through eternity. I believe this book is a gift to anyone that reads it.I also read his book "Boundaries with Kids" and highly recommend it to everyone. I don't think it is just for young parents with growing children or a growing family. I actually read it first and through it wanted to read this book "Boundaries"So many books that try to help us overcome relationships in our lives, stress the good the bad and the ugly. These books written by Cloud and Townsend stress the Golden Rule and it really encompasses loving ourselves through having boundaries before we can love others. The "Kids" book would make the most wonderful gift to a young couple with a new baby. I wish I had read this book when our children were growing up.