Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries

The intrusion of technology into our lives has increased the time spent interacting with machines and reduced the time spent interacting with people. Because developing healthy relationships take time, the reallocation of time away from development of healthy relationships has contributed to declining civility and increasing violence, both at home and in public places. Against this rather bleak environment, an emerging role for the church in these postmodern times has been to teach the basic relational and social skills that can no longer be assumed to exist: enter Danny Silk.In his book, Keep Your Love On, Danny Silk starts by writing:“I wrote this book to help people build, strengthen, and heal their relational connections.” (11)Silk sees three themes as components of healthy relationships—connection, communication, and setting boundaries (12)—and he structures his book around these three themes. Let me turn to each of these themes in turn.Connection. Silk starts his discussion of connection by distinguishing powerful people from powerless people, writing:“You need to be a powerful person. Powerful people take responsibility for their lives and choices. Powerful people choose who they want to be with, what they are going to pursue in life, and how they are going to go after it.” (20)Being powerful is important in relationship because:“A healthy, lasting relationship can only be built between two people who choose one another and take full responsibility for that choice.” (20)Powerless people are driven by fear and anxiety in making choices and look to other people to fill in for their perceived lack of power (21-24); powerful people realize that they can only control themselves and do not look to others to solve their problems (25). Consequently, it is powerless people who feel a need to role-play as victims, villains, or rescuers (23), because these roles focus on sharing power that powerless people feel they lack, as Silk writes:“Powerless people use various tactics, such as getting upset, withdrawing, nagging, ridiculing, pouting, crying, or getting angry, to pressure, manipulate, and punishing one another into keeping their pact” [in being victims, villains, or rescuers] (24).Real love is a challenge for powerless people because being deeply insecure in themselves they approach relationships as consumers (21) who have trouble being full partners in relationships … Obviously, a lot more can be said about the subject of connection and relationships.Communication. Silk sees communication as a transaction between the inner and outer life, citing Jesus:“The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45 ESV; 81)Silk sees powerful people insisting on assertive communication where: “My thoughts, feelings, and needs matter and so do yours” (86), not motivated by fear. Powerless people are governed by fear, trying “to hide what is really going on inside” (81), not able or willing to communicate on an equal basis. Instead, powerless people adopt a passive communication style (you matter, I don’t), an aggressive style (I matter, you don’t), or a passive aggressive style (you matter, but not really) (82-84).Silk offers some helpful advice on dealing with these three powerless, communication styles:“A powerful assertive communicator responds to a passive person with, ‘What are you going to do about it?’ They respond to an aggressive person with, ‘I can only talk with you when you decide to be respectful.’ And they respond to a passive aggressive person with, ‘We can talk later when you choose to be responsible and tell me what is really going on.’” (87)Clearly, not everyone starts out as an assertive communicator—Silk himself admits that he started out as a passive communicator married to an aggressive communicator. Because he had to learn to be an assertive communicator paying attention to the needs of others, there is hope for the rest of us.Boundaries. Silk begins his discussion of boundaries by observing:“…not everyone should have the same access to you. You are responsible to manage different levels of intimacy, responsibilities, influence, and trust with people in your life.” (124)Silk starts by recounting several stories about Christians who did not understand this issue of levels of intimacy and counters these stories by observing that “Jesus prioritized certain relationships over others”, as in (most intimate) =>God the Father=>John=>Peter, James, and John=> the twelve disciples=>other disciples=>spectators=>everyone else (125). He goes on to state:“I love lots of people through my ministry. I counsel them, pray with them, laugh with them, and cry with them. But that’s it. They don’t get the bulk of my time, attention, or money. They don't get to know my heart and influence my decisions. After our few hours together, I leave those people at church and go home to my family and close friends.” 128-129)This insight into Silk’s own relationships might come as a shock to many Christians who have trouble establishing such priorities and maintaining them, especially Silk’s comment about the “God-spot” (126), reserved only for God—not spouse, not work, not kids, not political causes, and so on. You get the idea—if not, remember how the Ten Commandments start out:"I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery."You shall have no other gods before me."You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.” (Exod 20:2-6)Danny Silk’s book, Keep Your Love On, is an important resource for church groups, readable, and interesting. Before I had finished the first 20 pages, I started thinking of all the people that I would like to share this book with, especially newlyweds and family members. Read it; discuss it; share it. You will be glad that you did.[1] [...]

I loved reading Keep Your Love On so much and have already recommended it to several family members, as well as friends. The book cuts through so many barriers that have kept me from being a “powerful” person who loves like Jesus and fights for connectedness with all my relationships. I have gained verbiage for behaviors I have fallen into but also tools and ways to change from familiarity to a bold, liberating way of living as Christ lives inside of me. I have learned the power of boundaries, the depth of loving others, as well as knowing what I can control and how to live accordingly. Every chapter gave so much wisdom and Danny Silk wove the love of God into every page of this book.

KYLO has brought the love scriptures to life in giving key ways to live them out in life, to exemplify it.My approach to relationships has changed in many ways.1-I see the importance of value and honor of others as created in the image of God. God created them to be powerful and make choices.If He thought they were worth dying for why would I see them any differently just because they make choices, live lives, or belief ways that are differently than I do? Understanding more clearly that this does not mean that I will keep someone abusive or disrespectful in my closest relationships . There may be times they lose their close place in my life from their choices, but my love, honor and value for them, myself and others is to remain strong regardless of how they treat me or the messes they make.2- I am able to approach others with healthy boundaries and not be afraid or their agreement or acceptance of me or my family.I will allow my husband and children to be powerful and set healthy boundaries with others in how they manage their “yes” and “no” even if that means they don’t want to do something that I would like to do.3- I have also grown in my ability to desire to help empower others and not reduce their power trying to control them so that I am comfortable. No longer feeling the need to manipulate situations to always be ‘’like I think they should be or want them to be.” Celebrating others in their uniqueness and choices even if I don’t understand completely.4-My ability and desire and practice of listening to truly understand others, their heart, their dreams and goals. Not to judge them, not to try to prove my point, prove them wrong or get them to agree with me. I have seen huge shifts in this area of my life as I have applied the KYLO 5 principles taught in this book.5-KYLO has helped me to understand how God designed me for connection and how childhood wounds that I carried have caused me to have unhealthy relationship patterns, communicate disrespectfully, move out of fear and not love, and have no clue of healthy boundaries- I now feel like I have been reparented and empowered to step into a life that I love to live in and set a better “more Christ like example” to my children!My hope has been ignited, my joy has been increased and my love has been transformed towards GOD, myself, my precious family, friends and the Body of Christ!

If you have a stack of books you want to read about love languages, boundaries, communication and relationship psychology, set them aside for when you have a few months of free time....Now, pick up a copy of 'Keep Your Love On' by Danny Silk.I am a long time reader and listener of Danny Silk's wisdom and this little gem is a streamlined reference for many of the things that he passionately believes in and teaches for maintaining healthy relationships - from spouse to acquaintance. Utilizing easy to understand analogies and other tools, Silk shares what it takes to keep loving even in the midst of conflicts that arise in our dealings with fellow humans.Some of my favorite things:-His focus on the incompatibility of love and control.-His emphasis on learning to communicate one's own actions rather than dictating to others what they should do.-Instruction on learning how to decide who you will say 'yes' to and who that means saying 'no' to.-I love the diagram Silk created to illustrate levels of intimacy needed to "cultivate and protect boundaries." Your Inner-most circle is for God, next for your most intimate human relationship, and from there the circles flow out farther away into the most outer circle to whom you might love with prayers or hopeful thoughts but not much else (as an example in his diagram, Silk's outer circles are populated by Charlie Sheen and Al Qaeda...I'm not sure if that's a commentary on his opinion of Charlie Sheen or not, but it made me laugh!).-In the same chapter on levels of intimacy I found the peace that I needed in reconciling my desire to love unconditionally with my need to change the dynamic of a formerly close relationship...It is stated: "Often people who once held the 'most intimate' place in our lives find themselves out in the Al Quaeda Sphere...We keep our love on toward them but it may be a very long time before we ever have them over for dinner." Thank you, Mr. Silk, for confirming that it is OK to protect myself from emotional harm.-Danny Silk is a Christian Counselor/Pastor with an unwavering Christian perspective, yet the bulk of the book does not belabor this point and there isn't constant Biblical Proof-texting or preaching. Because of this I feel very comfortable in sharing this book with my friends who might be of a different faith or who might not care to read a book heavily laden with theology just to get to the practical wisdom within.-I can't wait to practice being a Blue-Ray Player.....And to understand that last one you will have to get this book!KYLO!!!

My wife and I picked up copies of Keep Your Love On! ("KYLO") for our 8 year anniversary. As we had followed a small group study on Mr. Silk's "Loving Your Kids on Purpose", and found his teaching to be incredibly practical in our day to day relations with our children, we were excited to see what Mr. Silk had to say about marriage.More than a book on marriage, KYLO is an overview of how to create and foster intimate interpersonal relationships by learning to make connections, communicate effectively and set appropriate boundaries. Mr. Silk uses anecdotal experiences from his personal life and ministry to set the stage for each chapter in the book.What I ended up walking away with from KYLO was the discussion on "love languages" (how people receive and give love);the seven pillars of a healthy relationship; communicating in conflict; and a breakdown on the various levels of intimacy. These concepts gave my wife and I, who on all accounts have a happy marriage, food for thought and opportunities to discuss how to make our "good thing" better.Though the book is written from an evangelical Christian perspective, I believe the book has value even for non-Christians. The analysis of interpersonal dynamics, communication styles, and behavioral cycles all have a secular academic foundation which comes to the same conclusions Mr. Silk arrives at by biblical means.Though "self help" books are not a genre I usually cozy to, I thoroughly enjoyed KYLO. I would recommend this book for anyone who wants to know what a healthy relationship looks like and how to foster healthy relationships in your own life.

The concepts about communication and relationships in this book are sometimes very basic (e.g., "I statements"), yet presented very well. And some of the concepts are absolutely wonderful in the way they present ways to live well and love deeply those in one's closest circle. The book is useful for everyone, not just married couples and parents. I am a widow of many years, and found this book very valuable for my relationship with my almost 40-year old son, and with my sister and her family, and other relationships as well. I'm going to go back through the book at least once a year to keep the concepts fresh and in the forefront of my mind.

My brother-in-law recommended I read the book and I am so grateful that he did.This book is not just for married people. It is a book about "owning" your part in interacting with people (constructively and destructively) and learning how to become powerful without destroying the ones you love. It explains SO much on how I messed up (destroyed) so many relationships in my past (familial and friends). I really have a whole new depth of reality. I will probably read my copy of the book at least 2 more times. And, I will recommend the book over and over again - to anyone struggling to love someone and feeling frustrated and powerless. Although, I will never be able to loan my copy to anyone, because I underlined, circled, and wrote so many notes, that the book is now a journal of my inner most feelings and revelations.Lastly, I am married. And, my marriage is fragile. There is a WHOLE lot of work to be done to change the tides from choppy waters to smooth sailing. The difference now is that I have hope. I no longer have fear or defeat. I will take a chance and be vulnerable and communicate what it is I want and need, without critism to my husband. I WILL listen to what it is he wants and needs, regardless of whether it is a task I am responsible for - or not. No matter what happens from this point forward, I KNOW how to love the person without demanding that they change. Ultimately, I can only control myself. It is no longer my job to change or critique others. As long as I keep God first, focus on myself second, do not allow "Consumers" to deplete my garden, express "God's love (in and out of my home), establish healthy boundaries (not selfish ones - healthy ones), and ensure that I manage relationships in a mutually respectful way, I CANNOT lose.As my brother-in-law told me, "Read this book with your heart. You will be changed. I promise."God bless you Danny Silk!

I read Danny's quotes from this book on Facebook for maybe a couple of weeks before I realized it was his new book. Of course I had to order it immediately. My life was forever changed after my first encounter with Danny's teaching at a conference ten years ago where I purchased "Directing Vision Daily," (now updated and called "Loving Our Kids On Purpose"). I learned about self-control and it affected every relationship in my life, not just the training of my toddler (now the oldest of four and headed into middle school).Danny has such a powerful message. I call it distilled truth.After a really tough year, moving across country, returning full-time to the workforce after eleven years as a stay-at-home mom, children having issues in school and needing more support, and much more, I found myself very disconnected from my husband and miserable. I watched a You-Tube video where Danny said something that went straight to my heart and I puzzled over it for days, "every relationship has one of two goals: connection or disconnection." I realized that at some point over the past year I switched from the goal of connection to that of disconnection. I knew I should want to be connected, but I did not. After fifteen years of marriage and so many conversations about the same topics and still not being understood, I found myself once again in the place of wanting to give up.The book took a couple weeks to come in the mail, but I read it in two days, hungry for a solution to the problem for which I now had a label: the goal of disconnection. We read Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" about 13 years ago, so that part was not new to me, but Danny's summary of the acts of service love language (many other points too) felt like he was reading my mail. After thinking on all that I had read for a couple more days, I arranged to spend an evening with my husband alone. We were able to have a much needed talk that has put us on a path to reconnecting.By this point in my life and my marriage, I realize this is a journey that will inevitably entail future obstacles. This book has given me yet another tool, one that takes me back to the foundation. The key to keeping my love on is exercising my self-control and behaving as the powerful person I am, not waiting for someone else to rescue me from my misery. Thank you, Danny. I needed that.

Great book

good book. challenges you to love and to establish the right connections with people. Love is what makes us different from other species!!

My husband and I have been Danny and Sheri's fans since we became parents and realised kids had brains. This book is every bit as helpful... If you are married, parents, pastors, leaders or you are just related to someone: this book is a must read. It is practical and challenging, and helps to shape and grow love and self control. You can hear The Holy Spirit through Danny's words and you will be inspired and empowered to reach for more in your relationships by Keeping Your Love On.I am already applying what i am learning to difficult pastoring situations, personal relationships, parenting and to my marriage to grow in love, freedom and connection. It is a must read.

When my fiancé and I started dating, our relationship was extremely unhealthy. One of us was raised as a victim and the other as a helper. As a result, I always wanted to dump my problems and responsibilities on my girlfriend, and first she gladly took them, only to realize that soon she would be crushed under the weight. So, we both wanted to work and improve on our relationship, and were so happy when we started reading KYLO. I cannot thank Danny Silk enough for this book. I've read most of his other books and they are great, but this one I'd say, is by far the best. Everyone who is in any kind of relationship should read it at least once in their life.Through this book, Danny Silk gave us great tools:1. to become powerful people who tell themselves what to do and what not,2. he explains the five love-languages in a way that helped us use them to seek connection and remove stress and anxiety from the other person,3. he reveals how a heart-to-heart connection is so much more important than the need to agree,4. to see the value of healthy boundaries and how to set them properly.We found out, as we practiced these tools they have shown to be extremely helpful. We have overcome the victim-helper co-dependency, we discovered the beauty that is in connecting with the other person and appreciating that they are different in the midst of conflict. We have seen that a seemingly small act of service, like sweeping the floor, can reduce a whole lot of anxiety, and how boundaries protect relationships, increase their quality, and let them flourish.One thing from all the things that helped me stood out to me especially, the definition of responsibility. Previously, I was taught that responsibility was to do something you don't want to but you do it anyway. Therefor, I always fled anything that had this tag on it cause I knew it would suck. Danny Silk however likens it to a sat nav that guides you all the way to the destination that you WANT to reach. When before responsibility looked yucky and slimy and smelled funny, now it looks bright and colorful and has an attractive smell.So, if you don't want to improve your relationships, better avoid this book.

I’ve just finished reading this for the second time. It is a book I highly recommend as a resource for doing relationships well. Danny’s style is easy to engage with and biblically grounded. I will be making sure I read this book every year as a reminder to me of how I want to manage myself and my relationships.