How to Be an Imperfectionist

I really only bought this book because I liked Guise's Minihabits book so much. I didn't really consider myself a perfectionist, but I discovered I could use a lot more information from this book than I expected. I also was concerned this book would have too much overlapping content from Guise's Minihabits book and blog posts, but it had a lot that I hadn't seen before.PROS: First, the structure of this book is really clear and usable. I loved that Guise didn't waste our time with a lot of "here's how to know if you're a perfectionist" drivel and instead focused on understanding perfectionism, its causes, and its solutions. In particular, I found Guise's review of the academic literature on perfectionism to be both conscientious and valuable. It does seem true that when academics are talking about perfectionism being good, they are focusing on the aspects that aren't really a focus on perfection (like "seeking excellence" or "being organized"). Guise also does a great job simplifying the categories that the academics used and adding ones of his own when needed. Next, Guise does a great job explaining how perfectionism has to be perceived as something bad if any real progress is to be made. So long as you are secretly congratulating yourself on your "flaw" of wanting everything to be perfect, you won't understand just how pervasive the problem is or be very effective in changing it. Thirdly, Guise flummoxed me by introducing new (to me) aspects of perfectionism: insisting that the context be perfect in order for you to take action ("I'm going to speak up at the meeting at work today...no, actually, Jamie's here, and he talks too much so no one will hear me...or, oh no, it's an AFTERNOON meeting this time, well, that's a loss because I'll be too tired...or, I'm sitting right next to the boss? that's too much stress, forget it; I won't speak up.") and goal size (assuming a goal has to be a "Standard American Goal"--something other people would use as a goal, a big chunk of obvious success rather than small goals of incremental progress). I didn't think I was very perfectionistic until I read about these kinds. I can see how I've fallen into these perfectionisms time and time again, and just from reading Guise's book, I've already made a lot of progress in changing the way I think about context and goal size. This is especially important to people who liked Guise's Minihabits book, because if you are like me, you added some great minihabits, made a lot of progress, and yet still felt somehow whiny and unsatisfied because you were fixated on the external "standardized" major goal. In my case, this meant I made a lot of daily progress in writing a book, but I still felt bad because I didn't have "Publish a book" checked off my imaginary perfectionist list. Why should "publish a book" be the goal? It's too big a chunk to be focusing on right now. I just got lulled into insisting my life wasn't right until this "society-approved" goal was done, and I didn't think any smaller goals or a life of progress could count for anything.Guise makes a lot of other great points throughout the book, but I don't have time to detail them all! :) I will say that Guise's humor is a plus.CONS: Because this book was GREAT!, I have mostly nitpicky things to say as cons. The one thing I don't think is nitpicky is that Guise could use a broader group of examples. Nearly all his examples were about exercise, writing, and asking for dates. It is nice to write what you know, but it's also important to know your audience, and I'm sure many of Guise's readers would appreciate seeing how his concepts work for a more varied group of activities and goals (e.g. environmental goals, meetings at work, repairing a broken marriage, childrearing, saving money, investing, volunteering, apologizing, traveling, doing taxes, caring for an elderly person, being sick, getting along with difficult coworkers, etc.). Probably Guise drew from his own experience and those of his friends, but he may need to ask family members or other people of varying demographic groups (age, marital status, etc) to get ideas for more examples. That said, many readers will do fine adapting Guise's examples to their own cases without any trouble. Now for the nitpicky things: I had hoped for a discussion of perfectionism regarding OTHERS' actions, and that never really came up. If your perfectionism takes the form of insisting that others behave in a certain way, should the action steps be any different? (For example, I often let my husband do the dishes, then I obsess about the food gunk that is still on them afterward, and that makes him feel bad.) Are there any complicating features we need to be aware of? Most perfectionists I know do have a problem in interacting with others, because their own need for perfect results makes them micromanage or scold other people. Should this be handled any differently than more personal forms of perfectionism? Would it matter if the relationship is long-term or just a momentary interaction with a stranger? (e.g. "That cashier just bagged my meat with my vegetables!") Most of Guise's examples involve either no interaction with other people (e.g. exercise) or very limited response from others (e.g. you ask for a date, the other person says "yes" or "no.")Guise also uses the phrase "sunken cost" repeatedly, which I found very awkward. I'm sure "sunken" is better grammar than "sunk cost," but I've only ever heard the phrase "sunk cost," and at some point common use wins out over formalized grammar. It really threw me off trying to read that passage smoothly. Lastly (see how nitpicky I have to be to find flaws?), Guise recommends lying down in public to get over one's fear of social disapproval and says it is harmless. In most places this is probably harmless, but where I lived before (not the U.S.), men actually did this, in order to look up women's skirts. (Often they kept a hand mirror in their pockets for when the angles weren't quite right.) Anyway, just be aware that if you do this, especially if you are male, it may not be perceived as harmless by everybody. Again, probably in most places this won't be an issue.All in all, this was a fantastic book! The cons were really unimportant, and the pros made this book a delight. I especially appreciated Guise's humorous tone. Occasionally, it would even wax a little poetic, like when he wrote: "It's like seeing a dense fog in the woods: danger may lurk behind it, but the allure of its mystery still draws in the curious ones." Nice! I am really happy that this book was so practical and fun.

I really enjoyed this book. Stephen Guise has a way of breaking things down that feels honest, practical, and easy to relate to. He shows how perfectionism often holds us back more than it helps, and how taking small, imperfect steps forward is actually the key to real progress. It was a great reminder that we don’t need to wait for the “perfect” moment to start moving forward.While reading, I started thinking more about where perfectionism comes from. It can be shaped by a mix of things—how we were raised, fear of failure, pressure to meet expectations, or just our personality. But there’s also a physical side we sometimes overlook. I believe nutrition plays a big role in mental health. Deficiencies in nutrients like zinc, vitamin B6, and magnesium can really affect mood, anxiety, and how we handle stress—possibly making perfectionist thinking even harder to manage. It’s worth paying attention to that alongside the mindset tools this book offers.All in all, this was a helpful, down-to-earth read that encourages self-compassion, realistic progress, and letting go of the pressure to always get everything right. I’d definitely recommend it to anyone who feels stuck trying to be “perfect” all the time.

Stephen Guise argues convincingly that many social or mental problems (including anxiety, depression, and inability to carry through on intentions) actually stem from perfectionism. He lays out action-based strategies for addressing various manifestations or components of perfectionism (for example, having unrealistic expectations for oneself or others, or ruminating about past mistakes). He gives ideas for small tasks or “mini-habits” that help one to reset one’s thinking and reframe one’s “failures.” His premise is that doing the actions FIRST and letting the change to mindset follow as a matter of course is much more achievable than STARTING with a vague intention but no actual plan to change one’s own mind. His strategy of “mini-habits” and his metaphorical use “analog v. digital” to reimagine the challenges one faces are super takeaways, along with others.I did not give the book five stars because I thought it was longer than it needed to be. Moreover, the narrow scope of Guise’s illustrations (98% of which pertain to writing, attracting women, and exercising) was irritating, and undermined his credibility by making it seem like he didn’t do any interviewing or research but only drew on his own apparently narrow range of experience. But still, I found HOW TO BE AN IMPERFECTIONIST to be a useful, albeit imperfect book.