The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

I don’t think I’ve read a book written by a man with this level of insight, kindness, and love in addressing the deep pain men suffer as patriarchy kills our boyhood spirits in order to be considered “real” men. The book is packed with life- and world-changing insights.

A great book, profoundly wise. It does an excellent job of finding the right balance between acknowledging male privilege and sexism and holding men accountable for their choices while also expressing a great deal of compassion and how cis het men suffer from our sexist social values, just in different ways than other genders do.

This was my first introduction to Bell Hooks (I can't recall what other book i was reading that referenced it and I thought I should check it out). Well, a very important read I believe as it addresses some foundational issues that AREN'T being addressed with men. Patriarchy and its impact, both robbing women as well as men and its consequential misogyny. So deeply entwined within our upbringing and culture. Bell masterfully and tenderly pulls it apart - and why this is so important is it exposes that 'men will be men' is a LIE and that we are much more multifaceted and CAPABLE of change and BEING whole, loving and MORE than what our culture would want to straighjacket us into. - I since have started to read her book on LOVE and it is profound and awesome and truly is providing language and an outlook that is life changing. I highly recommend. (And I wish I could have met her. Sadly I just read in the news of her passing right as I was getting to know her work. quite a remarkable woman and gift to this world.) - BTW - I'm a man writing this and its just my perspective.

bell hooks is a well-known black feminist author. She notes that dealing with the fundamental feminist problem of patriarchy requires helping men find better ways through life. She also notes that many men are themselves hurt by patriarchy. Men are often held back from their best lives because of shortsighted stereotypes of masculinity. In this book, she offers her reflections on how to help men heal from a culture of domineering and to enhance their relational skills.This book seems centrally geared towards a female audience. She uses terminology like “patriarchy” and “emotionally wounded” common to feminist literature. These words are not words most men I know typically use. Were she to address a male audience, I suggest that she find substitutes like “domineering culture” or simply “hurt.” Courageously, she criticizes how women often internalize and support a patriarchal culture to the detriment of men and themselves. This book nonetheless represents a woman’s perspective on men, not a man’s perspective on men. I’m not sure a lot of men will appreciate it, just as a lot of women might not appreciate a book written by a man about women.As a man who values women, I appreciated how she educated me about women’s frustrations with men. I took issue with one chapter, though: the one about boyhood. She lays out a generic narrative about boyhood that simply doesn’t seem true to my personal experience. I have no doubt the abstraction applies to some boys, but just like feminism values the diversity of women’s experiences, I contend that a variety of boyhood experiences exist that aren’t easily summarized in one overarching story. We all interact with patriarchal culture in different ways, and any account of boyhood should acknowledge this fact.Overall, this book offers an interesting investigation to gender relationships. We live in an era where many prominent men are emotionally stunted and devalue what used to be regarded as noble virtues. As hooks contends, many men simply need to “grow up.” Turning the tables, she observes that many women do, too. Feminists must take on the courage to confront domineering men in their lives and not tolerate them as partners. As a man, I fully support this ideal as a way of bettering family lives and seek to adopt it more in my own life.

This was the first book I've read by bell hooks- I was previously familiar with her work, but hadn't yet read a full piece. A bit of context about me as a reader, because I think that's a very important aspect of how this book will be received: I'm a man who considers himself a feminist ally. I do buy into the idea of feminism as important for the health and well-being of not only women, but men as well, so some of my reaction to this book may lie in the fact that it speaks directly to my interests. I have some prior familiarity with mythopoetic men's movement books like "King, Warrior, Magician, Lover" and "Iron John", which hooks addresses. For me, as someone who is working to develop my sense of identity as a thoughtful, respectful, compassionate man, this book was exactly what I wanted at this point in my development.If you're not familiar with bell hooks, she is a proponent of intersectionality - basically, the belief that privilege isn't necessarily a monolithic characteristic that lies only with specific groups, but rather a more fluid interaction between different characteristics of individuals as they relate to one another. A white woman and a black woman may both experience gender discrimination, but it may not be in the same way or to the same degree, based on the additional factor of race. (Don't take my explanation as airtight - I'm just trying to provide context.)Given this philosophy, hooks is able to provide a keen inspection of the ways in which patriarchy not only benefits men, but also harms them. If you hold the unfortunately common (and mistaken) belief that feminism sees straight, white men as "the bad guy", hooks will skewer that. She speaks to some of the societal structures that place unequal burdens on men, or teach us harmful ways of viewing ourselves, without losing sight of the fact that those same structures are harmful to women, people of color, and other minority classes. She does this with INCREDIBLE compassion and even-handedness - in fact, I would say that hooks' ability to discuss this incredibly charged subject matter with such an unwavering sense of caring, fairness, and courage is the single best thing about the entire book. Unlike some who claim to advocate for men, hooks speaks to these issues in a way that unifies and encourages understanding, rather than making one group or another into the boogeyman.There are a few areas which I found challenging and didn't necessarily agree with 100% - there's a section where she briefly discusses Dworkin, whose beliefs are challenging for most men, but she definitely doesn't shy away from talking about radical feminists and the reality of misandry (overblown as it may be in many circles). She doesn't deny that there are some feminists who have driven men away with anger, but she also doesn't pretend that they're a majority - nor does she pretend they don't exist because that might be more convenient. I was a little concerned when the subject came up at first, but she handles it so well that I came away with a sense of greater understanding and compassion. Similarly, she sometimes references Bly (Iron John) and disagrees with aspects of his philosophy (basically, how his work views women)- I see her point where she makes it, didn't necessarily agree completely, but again: she does it in such a way that I don't feel baited or dismissed, but as if I'm just hearing the opinions of someone who is clearly very educated, opinionated, and above all, dedicated to compassion and fairness.Overall, this book speaks to a very charged subject with unerring maturity, insight, and compassion. If you're able to read it with an open mind and heart, you'll likely find it as moving as I did. There are places where hooks speaks to painful realities of manhood with such clarity that it hurts, but in the end she reveals a path to greater connectedness, compassion, and emotional health.

This literature has forever changed the ways I build community with the men in my life. Thank you bell hooks.